Perfidious Albert has arrived. Rejoice.
Perfidious Albert has arrived. Rejoice.
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Least Frequently Asked Questions

It is the nature of a frequently asked questions page that the questions on that page are actually the least frequently asked. This is because if you read the question on a frequently asked question page then you know the answer so you are unlikely to ever ask the question.

So to show how innovative and thinky outside the boxy we are, we have created a LFAQ page.

If you have any other questions we encourage you to stop and think before contacting us - you may work it out yourself. This will help keep our costs down and our service levels up. Consider it to be like the shelf in Lidl where you pack your own bags. This is the think of your own answer to stupid questions shelf.

Who is Perfidious Albert?

The only thing we know about Perfidious Albert is that his name is not Perfidious Albert. If you really need to know names and details check out my LinkedIn profile page.

Why should I use Perfidious Albert to develop my website?

Perfidious Albert spent many years working as a software developer for big name companies such as Microsoft. He knows how to do stuff and he is very good at it. However he is a notoriously grumpy piece of work and he finds that working for the man leads to disagreements with the man.

Creating e-commerce websites is almost beneath Albert, but it feeds his absinthe habit and allows him to continue to exist - for whatever that is worth. To be honest you probably shouldn't use him, but somebody who was happy with his work sent you here so the question is do you trust them?

Will I be on top of Google?

Only if your Mexican pool boy is called Google. SEO is a skilled job that takes time and dedication. Perfidious Albert is dedicated, but not to SEO. Any web developer who say they can help with SEO are lying. What I can do is help you find someone.

How many sales can I expect?

The average e-commerce website gets no sales. This is because most companies get a grant to develop their website. Most web companies charge the full cost of the grant to develop the website (see below). That leaves no money for SEO, advertising, marketing, brand development, or business planning. We are different - we tell you the truth. Apart from that we are no different.

How long does it take to get my website live?

Perfidious Albert is middle aged. He drinks too much and eats beef for breakfast every day. You will be asked to pay a deposit. It is in your interest to work as quickly as he does. If you move too slow he will either lose interest or keel over from alcohol and/or beef poisoning. Most websites can and should be live in under a week.

How much will it cost me?

If you are getting a grant from a government body (such as the trading online voucher) then that is approximately the exact same as what we will charge. This is standard across the industry. That could be because all website developers are chancers, or it could be because a civil servant somewhere was very competent and worked out the perfect pricing model for an average e-commerce website. Perfidious Albert does not believe in the existence of competent government employees.

If you are not getting a grant then you are either a non tax compliant rogue or a little weak minded. For the former we do a 50% discount, and for the latter a 150% markup. 

Your prices seem low to me. Why is that?

Creating Shopify websites is awful easy. Any old dote could have a go. However most website developers make it out to be more complex than the Apollo 11 mission. To be frank they are bending you over and.... well...

Perfidious Albert wants to turn out high quality websites in a timely manner and he has the skills and intelligence to do it in a very short timeframe. If you were to work out his hourly rate it would probably make your eyes water.

Based on the above I now feel your prices are very high?

Legend has it that Pablo Picasso was sketching in the park when a bold woman approached him.

"It's you — Picasso, the great artist! Oh, you must sketch my portrait! I insist."

So Picasso agreed to sketch her. After studying her for a moment, he used a single pencil stroke to create her portrait. He handed the women his work of art.

"It's perfect!" she gushed. "You managed to capture my essence with one stroke, in one moment. Thank you! How much do I owe you?"

"Five thousand dollars," the artist replied.

"But, what?" the woman sputtered. "How could you want so much money for this picture? It only took you a second to draw it!"

To which Picasso responded, "Madame, it took me my entire life."

Ok, but if it is so easy maybe I should do it myself?

Why keep a dog and bark yourself?